The horror of 80's videogames...

by: Joe Yang

With scary games such as House of the Dead, Resident Evil 5 (or 6, or whatever number they're up to these days), you practically participate in a horror movie where you get to control the outcome of the story.

With sophisticated game platforms such as XBOX 360, Playstation 3, and the Wii, computer generated gore has never looked more realistic. With the help of a game console or PC, you can almost experience the life of a mass murderer without the inconvenience of getting shot by the police, going to court, or dealing with the media.

That's today.

But what about the videogames of yesterday? Sure, those cute graphics, beeps, and boops seemed so innocent and harmless. But were they? Let's examine a few favorites, and before long you'll discover a darker side lurking underneath all of them. You see, I believe the next videogame-to-horror movie shouldn't be made from the likes of modern favorites such as Resident Evil or Silent Hill. Try this:

PACMAN: An old favorite. A yellow circle goes around eating a bunch of dots while being chased by a group of multicolored ghosts.

Why it's terrifying: The enemies are ghosts. Ghosts can't be stopped, because you can't kill what's already dead. The best Pacman can do is slow them down temporarily after he's taken one of those power pills. The game just goes on, and on, and on. It gets harder and the pills become less effective as you progress. A never-ending quest, unstoppable enemies, and drug use...sounds like a pretty dark premise if you ask me.

Who would direct if it's made into a movie: George Romero or Stanley Kubrick (if he were still alive).

DIG DUG: Here, the main character's job is to eradicate a group of critters that are goofing about underground. Yes, they're a nuisance. And yes, some of them breathe fire and are dangerous.

Why it's terrifying: All the hero has to do is go down there with a gun, and the problem can be solved in a timely, humane manner. But no! Not only does Dig-Dug, or whatever the hell his name is, NOT use a gun.

He goes down there with an air pump, methodically tracks the creatures down one by one, and when he finds them, begins inflating them full of air. Then Dug watches as the animals literally explode! Somewhere, Charles Manson and Ted Bundy are slapping their foreheads for not thinking of that first.

Who should direct if it's made into a movie: Paul Verhoeven or maybe Wes Craven

MR. DOO'S CASTLE: Little girls love unicorns. And even as guys, we associated unicorns with things that were good because some princess with an impressive rack was always riding one. Mr Doo's Castle threw me for a loop when I saw it in the arcade for the first time, because on the side of the game machine, there were these pictures of cute little red unicorns running around.

Then I realized the unicorns were bad.

The story is simple: Mr. Doo is a guy running for his life from a horde of rampaging unicorns that are bent on impaling, goring, or otherwise trampling him to death for reasons unknown.

Why it's terrifying: Mr. Doo, who also doesn't own a gun, never thinks to leave his castle to call animal control or the police.

Instead, he dresses up like a clown and picks up a giant mallet. As he's being pursued, he knocks out sections of the castle floor (that are all conveniently shaped like blocks). Whenever a unicorn gets stuck in a gap where a block has been knocked out, Mr. Doo has to quickly get to the level above.

The strategy is to whack out the block hanging directly above the trapped unicorn. The falling block then falls on the offending unicorn, killing it on impact. You pass the level once you've helped Mr. Doo massacre all the animals.

Who should direct if it's made into a movie: Rob Zombie. And I think Jason Statham would make a good Mr. Doo.

There are many more games out there to comment on, but the point is clear. "Simple" 80's videogames leave plenty of room for more in-depth storytelling, and their violent premises should satisfy the sickest gorehound among us...